Love Yourself Last

          Do you ever wash your face in the bathroom after a rough day (or month or year), subconsciously hoping that after you rinse you’ll look like someone else? That you’ll lower your head over the sink, scrubbing away at every impurity, then rise squeaky-clean, suddenly transforming into a pure, beautiful renewed being staring back at you in the mirror? I used to fantasize about this (and still do from time to time) when I suffered from some pretty gnarly acne not too long ago. It took months of prayer, anguish, struggle, feelings of utter defeat, and finally help from a holistic dermatologist and the pure power of God to find a cure to my seemingly never ending problem of adult acne—that was probably altogether avoidable no less. But even now that my acne is at its tail end–or at least I hope it is–still I am faced with the scars and imperfections that never seem to fade away. It’s a harsh, ugly reminder of who I once was, who I still am, and the dissatisfaction that remains. 

          While I could easily go on about the traumatics of having acne beyond the age of twenty-one, there is a deeper message that I’d prefer to bring to a head (no pun intended…sorry for the unintentional vulgarity). With a holiday like Valentine’s Day only a few days away, I assume that for some time now we have all been hearing everybody and their mothers promoting the (in my opinion) infamous phrase “love yourself first.” We live in the year 2022, where every single person on earth is called to love themselves before anybody else. This is regardless of your age, gender, sexual orientation, race, weight, how much or little clothing you decide to put on—everything. This world tells us to love ourselves first no. matter. what. And by the looks of it, as the years press on the push for self love is only becoming stronger, despite its not-so-pleasant impact. 

          Not only are we apparently encouraged to love ourselves before anyone else in our lives, but I have heard people all too often give advice to their discouraged friends to actually go out and have sex with someone for their own pleasure. To boost their own self-confidence, to satisfy their own desires and cravings, to make themselves feel better about themselves and to show love to themselves first. Everyone tells you to “love yourself first” because apparently self-love is the most important love there is. People say on social media, on tv, in books, and just about everywhere else that we should work on ourselves first so that we can love others the right way…except, what does that even mean? And since when is self-love the most important love there is? And how do we “love ourselves first” the right way in order to ultimately love others the right way?

          Well as long as Satan is the god of this world according to 2 Corinthians 4:4, he will do everything in his power to convince us that this lie should be believed and deemed as the gateway to pure happiness. We are manipulated into believing that by loving ourselves before anybody else and more than anybody else, we will unlock true happiness; the kind that sticks around and brings contentment and peace to our lonely, love-deprived lives. But in reality—or rather, according to Jesus (since, what even is reality anymore?) that is anything but the truth. 

          This “selfish love” conundrum came to my attention rather recently, as I’ve been spending a lot of my time reflecting on my own relationships and how I treat others and myself. After way too much late-night contemplation, I came to a certain realization: I do not have a problem “loving myself.” In fact, my personal situation is quite the opposite where, if I’m not careful, I quickly turn into a selfish, conceited, prideful, *fill in the blank.* Now maybe this is only a “me” problem, but nearly the whole of society leads me to believe that it’s not…unless of course everybody suffers from a severe lack of self-love with the exception of me but for some reason or another I find that theory to be highly unlikely. 

          The beginning of my self-reflection was prompted by my sister who pointed out a fatal flaw in my personality: that I prioritize the wrong people in my life over the ones who are selfless and go out of their way to attempt to bring me joy…and by this I mean specifically “guys.” For most of my life, I have obsessed and pined over one immature, selfish guy after the next. Yet almost always they have refused to give me the time of day (long term at least). Which now that I think of it is somewhat painful to say out loud, but admitting it is the first step to recovery, right? (Or so they say…). Recently, I have been slapped with the realization that I put so much unnecessary time, energy, and emotion into “winning” a man when in reality I’m looking for love and comfort in a place where there is only lust, vanity, and disappointment. I prioritize the feelings of myself and of a guy that I’ve known for two weeks or less while completely neglecting my loved ones and most importantly God. I look for someone to give me the attention that I crave, to make time for me and to be there at my every beck and call. After repeating this vicious cycle time and time again, subconsciously I know that I am ultimately seeking happiness through the love that someone else may (or may not) develop towards me, hoping that my own selfish desires will be met and through which I will be truly happy-

          -And at the end of the day, when I put my own cares and desires first without considering anybody else in my life, I am no happier, better off, or more loved than when I choose to be selfless. Come to think of it, the action of desperately seeking love from a place where love does not exist in hopes of making myself happy has made me more miserable than if I did not intentionally seek happiness at all. 

          So ultimately this brings me to my next point where, the more time I spend focusing on my own vain wants, “needs,” and earthly desires, the further I feel from God. Upon discovering this horrific character flaw, I have begun to notice that I do not at all consider every single thing that God does, has done, and continues to do in my life to bring me peace, joy, love, and happiness. Instead, I seemingly cannot be bothered by Him and my prayers quickly become a laundry-list of requests that I half-expect Him to bring to me on a silver platter. I even have found that I have the audacity to mope and pout and cry “poor me” when I do not immediately receive whatever it is that I have been praying for…How did I ever become this way? If this is what loving yourself first looks like, then you can count me out of this selfish, shallow movement…

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          …On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 perfectly sums up the essence of true love:

          In order to know how to truly love ourselves (the right way) and love others at all, I feel that we must first understand where true love can be found. That being said, the Bible is not just a fancy shmancy book to keep high up on your shelf for the sake of having one in your house, but if you open it up, it’s actually full of solutions to the problems of everyday life. Love is one of the most prominent topics in the Bible, and is the most important aspect of life according to Jesus’ teachings. Matthew 22:35-50 states:

          We are to FIRST love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind and then love your neighbor as yourself…I find this such an intriguing concept as it does not even mention in these verses anything about loving ourselves, since it is already implied that we do care for ourselves. Society tells us to focus on our personal wants and needs practically to the point of narcissism. But God tells us to put everyone else, especially Him, before ourselves. The way of the world is opposite of the way that God intended for the world to be because of sin and corruption, but ultimately that does not mean that that is our excuse to live our lives for our own glory and gain.

          Contrary to the societal norm, if we were to follow God’s commandment of loving Him above all else and loving others as ourselves, I am certain that we would be happier than we would in any other scenario. I know it’s easy to be convinced that loving “me” first is the key to happiness, but there’s a reason as to why there is still a part of us that is left unfulfilled after we spoil and pamper ourselves beyond comprehension. Believe me when I say that I have never felt uglier than when I put myself first. Acne scars and physical imperfections do not compare to the internal nightmare that is conceit and self-absorption. While for a period of time I was focusing more on myself, my looks, and things that best suited me and my needs, what I didn’t realize (until my sister brought it to my attention of course) was that this was coming at the expense of my loved ones and most importantly the Creator of my looks and of me and of heaven and of earth. 

          One of the side effects that they don’t inform you about when you decide to put yourself first is that you become overwhelmed with shame once you realize that this negatively affects those around you. On the one hand I truly do understand the need to in a sense “be there for yourself.” It is not healthy to completely neglect or loathe the person that you are and the more you put yourself down and deny the man or woman whom God created you to be, the less happiness and contentment you will have. That is beneficial to nobody…But on the other hand, being filled with conceit and pride is exactly what the devil wants from us because that is exactly what led to his own downfall thousands of years ago. We are brainwashed into thinking that this is right and everyone just goes along with it because they are blinded by the truth. Except as a matter of fact, pride (which includes self love) brings you closer to a whole other world of sin and destruction. 

          It is a deceiving road, to love yourself first. 

          We all at one point or another settle for temporary satisfaction as means of bringing joy to our lives. I guess all in all I have a few points going on in this post, but happiness, contentment, and love are meant to act simultaneously. And without knowing how to love the correct way, we will never attain true happiness or contentment. The only time in my life that I ever felt truly satisfied was when I gave my WHOLE heart to the Lord. It was Spring 2021, a season of my life where I had been praying, immersing myself in God’s word, and dedicating my life to Him. I felt freed from the burdens and pressures of trying to feel loved, because I knew at that time that I really was loved. And even now as I write this, I know that I still am loved by the One who made heaven and earth and everything in between.

          You are not going to find peace in self love; that is merely superficial garbage. Though physically we may be fully matured and seemingly independent, mentally we will always be reliant like a newborn child; constantly crying for love and care. We cannot feed ourselves the love that we crave. That is exactly why God tells us to love Him first and love others next; if we do this, He will enable us to feel content. He doesn’t promise that life will be perfect, but He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8). He has already displayed His love by allowing His only Begotten Son to bleed to death on a cross so that we might have the chance to be saved from our sins and live in Paradise with Him. We do not need to love ourselves first because there is already more than enough love from the Lord to fill up our hearts entirely-and then some.

          I understand that it’s difficult to let down your walls and open your heart. I understand that it’s easy to look out for yourself over your mom that you take for granted or your sister whom you love but gets on your nerves or your best friend and everyone else in your life. I understand, I’m human too. But as you read this, if you feel the way that I’ve felt after putting myself before others, I challenge you to abandon everything that society tries to convince you of pertaining to love. Today, I challenge you to love yourself last.